Spend enough time in the ER and you too will unlock the secrets to the universe.
The Turtle's 8 Universal Truths About Hospitals
1) 15 hours of fasting will turn a tortilla, sub-par ham, and American cheese into the most delicious meal of your life.
The possibility of surgery was looming. I wasn't allowed any food or drink because of the vast chance that surgery would be done that afternoon. Fortunately we had eaten at a mom and pop diner where I got a big breakfast.
It's getting around 10:45 pm and I'm getting really hungry. So I call in the nurse and ask her if, since there was little to no chance of my having surgery that evening if I could eat. She disappeared, saying that she would ask. Around 11:45 pm I gave up hope and there she was with a cold ham and cheese wrap. Kings don't eat this good.
To my brain, it was kind of like this.
I should have known better... to go to the hospital with a bursting giant bubble and I wear white!
Even if you aren't in such circumstances white is never a good choice for the ER. There's chemicals, fluids, and if you're unlucky bodily fluids. The basic rule of the ER is don't wear something that you wouldn't want to be ruined.
Never wear white to the ER. It's just tempting fate.
3)If given headphones during a scan and the music stops... STOP THE SCAN!
They took me back frequently for MRI's, CT's, X-Rays... the list goes on. During the MRI, a very loud and noisy process, they frequently give you earplugs or music to listen to through headphones. I'm not usually claustrophobic but the first time I went through one of those just about gave me a heart attack.The music allows me to calm down and go off somewhere else.
They stopped the music temporarily while they loaded contrast into my IV. But when they went to stick me back in the machine they forgot to turn the music back on. I tried yelling and getting their attention without moving too much; I was afraid to mess up the scans.
I should have stopped the scan early on to point out the music situation. But I sat back and tried to grin and bear it. My heart was racing inside my chest the entire time but I made it through. It was only after pulling me from the machine that the tech noticed "Huh! I forgot to turn the music back on..." YA THINK!!!!!
The music is usually better when it's switched on!!!
4) Remember not to star off and get lost in Dr. (or Rn) McDreamy's eyes.
Nuff said.
5) Lies are often more dependable than the truth.
“It was a lie, of course, that it wouldn't hurt a bit. But since adults
always said that when it was going to hurt, he could count on that
statement as an accurate prediction of the future. Sometimes lies were
more dependable than the truth.”
–Ender's thoughts
Ender's Game by Orson Scott Card
Bandages come off, nurses or doctor comes in, checks it out, bandages back on. Repeat. Tape on and off... all night long. My favorite line "This should only hurt a little bit."
When a nurse actually said those words to me I thought of this book.
6) My poor braincells. DAMN YOU FAMILY FEUD!
The TV was on to Family Feud. If any of you know Family Feud, it's been on so long that it's had 6 hosts since 1976. There are decades worth of the most obscure topics that you've ever seen. I felt I was both learning and killing brain cells at the same time. At least it killed time.
The show where everything's made up and the points don't matter.
7) "You smell clean... like... sanitary!"
The response from my awesome friend when I got back. Though I laughed it off, this reminded me of all the chemical smells of the hospital. All the disease, all the meticulous cleanliness, all the life, and all the death... all the cleaning products. Though you can leave the hospital the smells and memories never leave you.
Hospital Rooms have that great ability to make you feel super clean and super creeped out at the same time.
8) My Return and Dance BreaksI drove into town and met with some friends. From the moment we met up there would be these random moments where all conversation would cease. And in the moment the song hits the dance break it hits the car like a wave. Dance breaks to the music, whatever happened to come up on the radio; I looked (and felt) a little ridiculous but had a blast nonetheless.
You know it when it happens.
