Come on, you know you want to say "OMG! That's adorable!"
It's weird to think but it was only a few years ago I was a brand new baby gay myself (I'm still a youngin' as far as most of the community is concerned). I remember being called that by a gay friend after coming out of the closet. "Oh look at the baby gay, figuring things out. That's adorable!" He cooed the way everyone else does at a baby finding its toes for the first time. At the time I was extremely offended. It's taken me a couple of years to see that he was right. I didn't know much and was pretty naive about what is expected of a gay man.
Not wanting to be that condescending with this guy, I listened patiently. I learned that he was closeted and in a very religious conservative family. He was fairly naive about a lot of topics and decently sheltered. Having been very sheltered and closeted myself I can relate. He had a total of 1 or 2 friends he felt he could trust with his secret.
The closet is a lonely place.
This is an enormous responsibility, being asked about what it means to be gay and what you can expect. How much do I tell him? How much do I let him discover on his own? How much detail do I use? I decided it was safer not to get too graphic but it wasn't a good idea to leave this kid completely in the dark. First, I decided it was better to catch him up to speed on some basic gay terminology. This is by no means a complete list. These were the first ones that came to mind as we were chatting through facebook. If you can think of some others that be useful, leave them in the comments below.
Fag hag. Since most of his friends, and most of mine, are female I thought it'd be useful to know. Especially since I tend to use the word a lot in casual conversation.
Despite what the shirt says, you can have a lesbian fag hag. I've even met the odd fag stag, a straight guy who hangs out extensively with heterosexual men. They're an interesting breed, to be sure.
Top, Bottom, and Versatile. I didn't go into too much detail about sex (that is something he can find out on his own) but the basic terms are necessary. The way I explained it it the top is a giver, the bottom is the receiver, and a versi can do either. Pitcher, catcher, etc. can be used as well. I then had to explain what a versi-top was (can enjoy either but tends toward being a top) and so on. He asked who gets which position? Do you flip a coin? And how do you know which you are? Unfortunately, there is no magic solution to that. Your definition of yourself comes with exploration and experience. Sorry, no shortcuts.
Beard. He asked if his ex-girlfriend, who he'd been emotionally close to, would be counted as a fag hag. I told him that though she could be, the better term is beard. A beard is a man or woman used as a cover for a gay partner. Many beards don't even realize they are one. I myself had a girlfriend in high school, who I was emotionally and physically close to. We ended on good terms and I'm glad of that, since there is a good chance that both of us could have ended up getting hurt by that sort of thing. I love her to this day (she was the first person I came out to) and always will but we've since gone onto separate paths.
Your beard is exactly this convincing.
I don't shy away from the subject of sex, though I try and remain objective. He asked if size matters. (Every guy wonders this. I know I did at one point) The simple answer is yes but not in the way you'd think. Most guys seem to have it in their heads that bigger is always better; this is simply not the case. Your average guy is 5" or below and that is fine. Anything more than that and you start to increase the amount of discomfort you'll have with your first experience. 7'' or 8'', it's still a blast but can start to hurt. Above that... no. Just no.We are given the impression by certain entertainment professionals that 10" is the norm and that's just not the case. And really it's what you do with it that matters. You could have the Washington Monument and still not know what to do with it. Or you could be tiny and give someone the ride of their life.
I tried to emphasize safety. Always wear a condom and practice safe sex! Though it's being treated and it's no longer a death sentence, AIDS is still a very real threat. That's not even speaking about anything else that's out there. As long as you practice safe sex you significantly reduce the likelihood of something happened.
Mostly I tried to emphasize communication. As long as you can communicate with the person, letting them know what you want/expect/hope for then you'll have a good time. Communication makes the whole process much smoother. There is absolutely no point in suffering through bad sex just to please someone. If they're doing something you aren't comfortable with or don't like, TELL THEM! More often then not they'll change what they're doing and you'll both have a better time.
My final bit of advice was to be honest to yourself. It's hard enough to be a gay man in this world. In the closet you'll end up telling a lot of lies to protect your secret. I fully support this as long as you are honest to yourself about who you are and what you want to do with your life. And in time, you'll be able to come out to those that you love. When you are ready, you'll know; and not a second before.
When you are ready you'll join the ever-growing list of people coming out of the closet!
It's bizarre to be the one answering questions instead of asking them. I'm still a little one and there are many old queens who'll laugh at me for my realizations. I'm not quite as clueless as I once was but I still have a lot to learn. I'll limp with pride and try and discover the things yet to find out about being a gay man. I guess I'll just have to wait and see.
Please leave tips and terms that might help this baby gay out in the comments below.
I tried to emphasize safety. Always wear a condom and practice safe sex! Though it's being treated and it's no longer a death sentence, AIDS is still a very real threat. That's not even speaking about anything else that's out there. As long as you practice safe sex you significantly reduce the likelihood of something happened.
Cannot emphasize this enough!
Mostly I tried to emphasize communication. As long as you can communicate with the person, letting them know what you want/expect/hope for then you'll have a good time. Communication makes the whole process much smoother. There is absolutely no point in suffering through bad sex just to please someone. If they're doing something you aren't comfortable with or don't like, TELL THEM! More often then not they'll change what they're doing and you'll both have a better time.
My final bit of advice was to be honest to yourself. It's hard enough to be a gay man in this world. In the closet you'll end up telling a lot of lies to protect your secret. I fully support this as long as you are honest to yourself about who you are and what you want to do with your life. And in time, you'll be able to come out to those that you love. When you are ready, you'll know; and not a second before.
When you are ready you'll join the ever-growing list of people coming out of the closet!
It's bizarre to be the one answering questions instead of asking them. I'm still a little one and there are many old queens who'll laugh at me for my realizations. I'm not quite as clueless as I once was but I still have a lot to learn. I'll limp with pride and try and discover the things yet to find out about being a gay man. I guess I'll just have to wait and see.
Please leave tips and terms that might help this baby gay out in the comments below.
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