Offensive words that I now own

So here is a list of names that generally offend people but I've learned to own. One of my favorite quotes from Game of Thrones is this gem from Tyrion Lannister, talking to Jon Snow, who he half-mokingly calls Lord Snow.

“Don’t call me Lord Snow.”
The dwarf lifted an eyebrow. “Would you rather be called the Imp? Let them see that their words can cut you and you’ll never be free of the mockery. If they want to give you a name take it make it your own. Then they can’t hurt you with it anymore.”
― George R.R. Martin, A Game of Thrones

 

There is something powerful about taking a word for your own. Once you've found that part of yourself that redeems the words, they no longer carry a sting.

1. Cripple
I am a paraplegic. I may be walking now, but it's always with a limp and there's a good chance I'll never run. I shied around using the word cripple for a long time, out of my denial of my own situation. It was a long time until I could relate to the word without agonizing over my own situation. It wasn't until a group of my friends (who have helped push me farther than anyone else toward walking again) spent an evening making cripple jokes that I really moved toward acceptance. The favorite of the evening: "That deserves a standing ovation...heh." When it started I was hurt but I laughed along, but inside I felt slightly wounded. It was only after awhile of this that I realized they were trying to show me that they didn't care about what had happened to me, they were just trying to make light of a crappy situation. They carried on so long, even the half funny jokes lost their edge.

After that night I started to feel comfortable making jokes about myself. I'd randomly throw in #crippleproblems into social media and start the jokes instead of just blankly laughing along. I realized, yeah my spine may be broken but my sense of self was not.

I like to give a friendly warning to new boyfriends of my close friends, reminding them that they had friends who cared about this person. After I took hold of the word, these warnings sounded a little like this: "If you ever hurt her, you will have one angry cripple on your hands."

2. Faggot
Like a lot of gay kids growing up, I lived in fear of this word. Fear that it really did describe me, fear that I was doomed to be attached to a hated label, that I was doomed to a life of torment. I did have some bullying growing up but not as bad as some; enough to keep me in the closet until I was almost 20.

This word has a lot of hate behind it but finally finding a gay community that accepted me helped me deal with this fear. I realized that people used the word out of their own fear: fear of things that they didn't know or didn't understand.

I'm gay and if you want to call me a fag, just realize you're going to get the response "yeah, I am a fag. So what?"

3. Slut
To be fair I can't count the people I've dated on two hands, so this word doesn't get used a lot. But it's one that I feel is unfair. We live in an age where half the people you know have banged the other half. With dating/hookup apps available to anyone with a smartphone or computer, it's surprising we're still dealing with this.

The irony is strong in this one.

Call it what you want, if we give in at all, be it through marriage, dating, or hooking up, we are all giving in to our baser needs. We are all sluts. So the next time you feel like calling someone that, take a good look in the mirror. You may be surprised by what you see.

4. Nerd
This one I have owned longer than any of the others. It meant I was succeeding, where so many others didn't even try. It meant I was intelligent, random, and eclectic. I love to read, to learn new things, to study science, and the way our bodies work. I love to understand the universe.

I am proud to be a nerd. That doesn't mean it didn't hurt being called that as a kid. It's after years of soul searching that I've really seen how being a nerd has helped me in so many ways. We now live in a digital age where nerds are celebrated! So whatever it is that makes you weird, celebrate it!


So which of these words do you find offensive and which do you own? What words should be added to the list? Comment below or leave a comment on my facebook page.

7 More Gay Movies You Need To See

So though the facebook page linked to this account is updated almost daily, I thought it was time I posted another entry of Gay Movies Every Gay Man Should See

Here is my list of movies that EVERYONE should see.

1. Private Romeo

A retelling of Romeo and Juliet, it adapts this timeless tale of star crossed lovers to a boy's military academy. They find clever ways of intertwining the original text in, having them begin by reading Romeo and Juliet in class. As can be expected the boy playing Romeo falls for the Juliet in a rival clique. I'd say stay tuned for the happy ending but unless you didn't cover that one in high school (or have never heard of one of the most famous plays of all time) you'd know this falsehood for what it was.


2. 9 Dead Gay Guys

A gay comedy deals with murder in London in a tight-knit gay community. The protagonists are two straight boys from Ireland who've found that doing a little work under the table can be considered "highly lucrative, legitimate work" in their own words. Unintentionally, find themselves involved with the string of dead gay guys. Hilarious, this slightly-raunchy (but clean) comedy will have you guessing, which gay guy in the movie will be next?


3. Make the Yuletide Gay

I have a tendency to hate Christmas themed movies wish a passion (don't know why I just do) but this one surprised me. The story centers on a college student who is out of the closet (and then some) at school but not out to his parents yet. He decided to tell his parents the truth when his boyfriend shows up unexpectedly. Besides being hilarious, this movie has a raw authenticity in portraying the anxiety that can be build before coming out to family.


4. Strapped

The tale of hustler who no particular agenda except to find adventure, he wanders the halls of a maze-like building. Each person he meets hears a different story of who he is and why he's there, creating a shifting picture of the boy, changing with each retelling. He meets everyone from the just out of the closet gay, queeny drug-fueled gay, the married man, an old man, and a sweet writer. Through each adventure you glean little bits of the person underneath, glimpsing what he's trying to hide underneath. It dares you to consider the masks we put on when we meet different people and what masks they're wearing when they meet us.


5. Were the World Mine

A musical adaption of Shakespeare's "Midsummer Night's Dream", it focuses on a boy who suddenly finds himself with the power to make someone love him. While initially only meant for the boy he has a crush on, he eventually uses it on a large portion of the homophobic home town. Filled with hilarious misadventures, the boys, girls, men, and women of the town find their world turned upside down. The alone music itself it. So if you're browsing through Netflix, or whatever, check this one out!



6. The Mostly Unfabulous Social Life of Ethan Green

The weird tale of Ethan Green, the storyline jumps back and forth between his various relationships (and how later on they all collide). His ex-boyfriend is getting married, while his various hookups/exes seem to flow in and out of the storyline. Though most of his problems are of his own making, you can't help rooting for the guy.



7. Undertow 

This is the adorable supernatural romance that had me close to tears. The focus of the film is on a man, his pregnant wife, and the secret boyfriend. They all live on a small island with a strict culture and stricter traditions.The tradition that plays the biggest part is that if someone dies without a proper island burial, their ghost wanders the earth forever. When the boyfriend's boat goes down at sea, his ghost continues to follow him. Strangely the two continue their strange supernatural romance even as he searches for his friends body to give a proper goodbye. Truly a love story that carries on beyond the grave, this is one of my favorite movies of all time.

More Gay Movies Worth Watching:

Another Gay Movie


Longhorns


Friends and Family


Otto; Or, Up with Dead People


Summer Storm


Camp

An Ode to a Bastard

Most people have that one person who wormed into their heart despite how many warnings we received along the way. My ex-boyfriend is that one person who no matter how much I try and forget him, thoughts of him keep trickling in. He was bad enough that his name is no longer spoken in my house; if we refer to him at all he's referred to as "Voldemort". A manipulator and a mentally abuse jerk, he still haunts me. This post is my way of exercising his ghost from my life.

"He-who-must-not-be-named" manipulates the lives of everyone around him to suit his purpose. Sounds about right.

All charm and positive energy, he made sure that I only knew as much about him as he wanted me to know. I'm good enough at reading people that I saw bits and pieces of the skewed being behind the mask. Yet I stayed, addicted to the fun, adventure, and danger. I was told that I could do better, deserved better, and should cut and run. But he made me feel safe from all the other drama that surrounded him.

Biggest lie ever told: "I hate drama but it just seems to follow me!" Hmmmm...

Eventually, as these things always do, the relationship ran it's course. He turned out to be a liar and a thief and no one was all that surprised. He burned all his bridges and tried to pretend like we had this amazing love, when all we really had was a great mess. I feel guilty sometimes about the crap he ended up taking from me and those who care for me. But before these feelings get too far, I start sharing all the stories and tales he told to me over the years with the people around me. And then someone I know will tell me "Oh really, he said the exact opposite to me!" I had seen him manipulate everyone else around him and for some reason thought I was immune. It's only recently that I've started to see that I was deluded as everyone else around me and that he had played me for a fool.

 

It's easy to get caught in a web of lies.

I write this in hope that someone who is holding onto their lemon of relationship will free themselves. Maybe I'm just bitter but I believe if there is something wrong with how they are treating those around you, they are doing the same to you. This is for all those people who hold on to a bad relationship out of fear of not having someone; there are so many better matches for you waiting out there. I'm not saying that if things get difficult you should always give up. I'm saying that when you know things are going downhill and you stick with it anyway you're in for a whole lot of heartache.

Something I wish I'd thought of.

To Voldemort: the mask has slipped, your web of lies is crumbling, and you're left with only yourself, a manipulative petty queen. I still love you, no matter how much I also hate you. You've hurt me too bad to ever be part of my life again but I still wish you well. I just hope you're kinder to your next victim.

Sincerely,
Turtle

The Turtle's Universal Truths about Hospitals

So this past week was eventful. Last weekend another wonderful bubble from the infection in my back popped up. I got sent to the ER, in Baltimore... again. I whiled the 14 hours in the ER, what with some time on my hands, I discovered a few simple truths of Hospitals.  

Spend enough time in the ER and you too will unlock the secrets to the universe.

The Turtle's 8 Universal Truths About Hospitals 

1) 15 hours of fasting will turn a tortilla, sub-par ham, and American cheese into the most delicious meal of your life. 

The possibility of surgery was looming. I wasn't allowed any food or drink because of the vast chance that surgery would be done that afternoon. Fortunately we had eaten at a mom and pop diner where I got a big breakfast.

It's getting around 10:45 pm and I'm getting really hungry. So I call in the nurse and ask her if, since there was little to no chance of my having surgery that evening if I could eat. She disappeared, saying that she would ask. Around 11:45 pm I gave up hope and there she was with a cold ham and cheese wrap. Kings don't eat this good.

To my brain, it was kind of like this.

2)Never wear white while going to the hospital!

I should have known better... to go to the hospital with a bursting giant bubble and I wear white!

Even if you aren't in such circumstances white is never a good choice for the ER. There's chemicals, fluids, and if you're unlucky bodily fluids. The basic rule of the ER is don't wear something that you wouldn't want to be ruined.

Never wear white to the ER. It's just tempting fate.

 
3)If given headphones during a scan and the music stops... STOP THE SCAN!

They took me back frequently for MRI's, CT's, X-Rays... the list goes on. During the MRI, a very loud and noisy process, they frequently give you earplugs or music to listen to through headphones. I'm not usually claustrophobic but the first time I went through one of those just about gave me a heart attack.The music allows me to calm down and go off somewhere else.

They stopped the music temporarily while they loaded contrast into my IV. But when they went to stick me back in the machine they forgot to turn the music back on. I tried yelling and getting their attention without moving too much; I was afraid to mess up the scans.

I should have stopped the scan early on to point out the music situation. But I sat back and tried to grin and bear it. My heart was racing inside my chest the entire time but I made it through. It was only after pulling me from the machine that the tech noticed "Huh! I forgot to turn the music back on..." YA THINK!!!!!

The music is usually better when it's switched on!!!

4) Remember not to star off and get lost in Dr. (or Rn) McDreamy's eyes.

Nuff said.

5) Lies are often more dependable than the truth.

“It was a lie, of course, that it wouldn't hurt a bit. But since adults always said that when it was going to hurt, he could count on that statement as an accurate prediction of the future. Sometimes lies were more dependable than the truth.” 

–Ender's thoughts

Ender's Game by Orson Scott Card

Bandages come off, nurses or doctor comes in, checks it out, bandages back on. Repeat. Tape on and off... all night long. My favorite line "This should only hurt a little bit."

When a nurse actually said those words to me I thought of this book.

6) My poor braincells. DAMN YOU FAMILY FEUD!

The TV was on to Family Feud. If any of you know Family Feud, it's been on so long that it's had 6 hosts since 1976. There are decades worth of the most obscure topics that you've ever seen. I felt I was both learning and killing brain cells at the same time. At least it killed time.

The show where everything's made up and the points don't matter.

7) "You smell clean... like... sanitary!"

The response from my awesome friend when I got back. Though I laughed it off, this reminded me of all the chemical smells of the hospital. All the disease, all the meticulous cleanliness, all the life, and all the death... all the cleaning products. Though you can leave the hospital the smells and memories never leave you.

Hospital Rooms have that great ability to make you feel super clean and super creeped out at the same time.

8) My Return and Dance Breaks

I drove into town and met with some friends. From the moment we met up there would be these random moments where all conversation would cease. And in the moment the song hits the dance break it hits the car like a wave. Dance breaks to the music, whatever happened to come up on the radio; I looked (and felt) a little ridiculous but had a blast nonetheless.

You know it when it happens.

6 Movies Every Gay Man Should Watch

I've been working with a baby gay on how to come to terms with his sexuality. He asked for a list of gay themed movies that would be good to watch. This list was generated by me and my best friend Philip. There are certainly other movies that probably belong on the list but these are the ones we came up with. In no particular order:

1) Latter Days

This is a romantic drama about the what happens when two worlds collide. Aaron, a closeted Mormon missionary gets put into a house next to openly gay partyboy Christian. Betting a coworker that he can land the quiet but adorable Aaron, Christian attempts to seduce him. The attempt backfires, with Aaron accusing him of being shallow. The two eventually fall for each other, with drastic consequences for them both.



This film examines how religion and guilt influence our lives as well as the superficial nature of much of gay culture. The film stars Steve Sandvoss, Wes Ramsey, and Joseph Gordon-Levitt.

2) To Wong foo, Thanks For Everything! Julie Newmar

This is one movie that you need to see to believe. Patric Swayze, Wesley Snipes, and John Leguizamo are drag queens traveling cross country. Vida Bohem (Swayze) and Noxeema Jackson (Snipes) tie for first place in a New York drag queen pageant. Given round trip airfare to Hollywood for a national pageant, they trade their tickets for a convertable, taking a road trip in order to teach lessons to naive and inexperienced drag queen Chi-Chi Rodriguez (John Leguizamo). Their car ends up breaking down in a small town in the middle of the country. The three give the town hell and do it in heels, showing the sheltered natives what style and class are all about.



Now before any of you hate on these ladies, this is bigger than a movie about drag queens. It's a movie that shows what acceptance in small town America really means. They may be in heels but they walk the walk better than most straight-acting men. So if these guys can show some flair, so can you.

3) Funny Girl

This is the story of comedienne Fanny Brice (Barbra Streisand), from her days in the Jewish slums, to working as one of the Ziegfeld Follies. The movie begins with her awaiting the return of husband Nicky Arnstein (Omar Sharif) from prison, and then moves into an extended flashback focusing on their meeting and marriage. The movie follows the rise and falls of their carriers and marriage.



A reprise of her broadway hit, the musical is one of the best examples of Streisand's talent and vocal prowess. While not gay-themed per-say this one makes the list for shear raw energy and power.

Baby Gays

I've been contacted recently by a baby gay. For anyone not familiar with the term, it's used for someone who's only recently came out or came to terms with their homosexuality. In this case the boy in question is still in the closet; for obvious reasons I won't be giving away his personal details.

Come on, you know you want to say "OMG! That's adorable!"

It's weird to think but it was only a few years ago I was a brand new baby gay myself (I'm still a youngin' as far as most of the community is concerned). I remember being called that by a gay friend after coming out of the closet. "Oh look at the baby gay, figuring things out. That's adorable!" He cooed the way everyone else does at a baby finding its toes for the first time. At the time I was extremely offended. It's taken me a couple of years to see that he was right. I didn't know much and was pretty naive about what is expected of a gay man.

Not wanting to be that condescending with this guy, I listened patiently. I learned that he was closeted and in a very religious conservative family. He was fairly naive about a lot of topics and decently sheltered. Having been very sheltered and closeted myself I can relate. He had a total of 1 or 2 friends he felt he could trust with his secret.

The closet is a lonely place.

This is an enormous responsibility, being asked about what it means to be gay and what you can expect. How much do I tell him? How much do I let him discover on his own? How much detail do I use? I decided it was safer not to get too graphic but it wasn't a good idea to leave this kid completely in the dark. First, I decided it was better to catch him up to speed on some basic gay terminology. This is by no means a complete list. These were the first ones that came to mind as we were chatting through facebook. If you can think of some others that be useful, leave them in the comments below.

Fag hag. Since most of his friends, and most of mine, are female I thought it'd be useful to know. Especially since I tend to use the word a lot in casual conversation.

Despite what the shirt says, you can have a lesbian fag hag. I've even met the odd fag stag, a straight guy who hangs out extensively with heterosexual men. They're an interesting breed, to be sure.

Top, Bottom, and Versatile. I didn't go into too much detail about sex (that is something he can find out on his own) but the basic terms are necessary. The way I explained it it the top is a giver, the bottom is the receiver, and a versi can do either. Pitcher, catcher, etc. can be used as well. I then had to explain what a versi-top was (can enjoy either but tends toward being a top) and so on. He asked who gets which position? Do you flip a coin? And how do you know which you are? Unfortunately, there is no magic solution to that. Your definition of yourself comes with exploration and experience. Sorry, no shortcuts.

Beard. He asked if his ex-girlfriend, who he'd been emotionally close to, would be counted as a fag hag. I told him that though she could be, the better term is beard. A beard is a man or woman used as a cover for a gay partner. Many beards don't even realize they are one. I myself had a girlfriend in high school, who I was emotionally and physically close to. We ended on good terms and I'm glad of that, since there is a good chance that both of us could have ended up getting hurt by that sort of thing. I love her to this day (she was the first person I came out to) and always will but we've since gone onto separate paths.

Your beard is exactly this convincing.

I don't shy away from the subject of sex, though I try and remain objective. He asked if size matters. (Every guy wonders this. I know I did at one point) The simple answer is yes but not in the way you'd think. Most guys seem to have it in their heads that bigger is always better; this is simply not the case. Your average guy is 5" or below and that is fine. Anything more than that and you start to increase the amount of discomfort you'll have with your first experience. 7'' or 8'', it's still a blast but can start to hurt. Above that... no. Just no.We are given the impression by certain entertainment professionals that 10" is the norm and that's just not the case. And really it's what you do with it that matters. You could have the Washington Monument and still not know what to do with it. Or you could be tiny and give someone the ride of their life.

I tried to emphasize safety. Always wear a condom and practice safe sex! Though it's being treated and it's no longer a death sentence, AIDS is still a very real threat. That's not even speaking about anything else that's out there. As long as you practice safe sex you significantly reduce the likelihood of something happened.

Cannot emphasize this enough!

Mostly I tried to emphasize communication. As long as you can communicate with the person, letting them know what you want/expect/hope for then you'll have a good time. Communication makes the whole process much smoother. There is absolutely no point in suffering through bad sex just to please someone. If they're doing something you aren't comfortable with or don't like, TELL THEM! More often then not they'll change what they're doing and you'll both have a better time.

My final bit of advice was to be honest to yourself. It's hard enough to be a gay man in this world. In the closet you'll end up telling a lot of lies to protect your secret. I fully support this as long as you are honest to yourself about who you are and what you want to do with your life. And in time, you'll be able to come out to those that you love. When you are ready, you'll know; and not a second before.

            

 

 
















When you are ready you'll join the ever-growing list of people coming out of the closet!

It's bizarre to be the one answering questions instead of asking them. I'm still a little one and there are many old queens who'll laugh at me for my realizations. I'm not quite as clueless as I once was but I still have a lot to learn. I'll limp with pride and try and discover the things yet to find out about being a gay man. I guess I'll just have to wait and see.

Please leave tips and terms that might help this baby gay out in the comments below.

Pride in Albany

If you're a follower of my main blog, you will see that I'm currently in Albany, NY for a summer class; this will bring me one step closer to finishing the biology degree I've been working on for the last 5 years (to be fair I've had a few things that have interrupted my progress). I was amazed at the amount that the city and the university are attempting to appear Gay-friendly. I spotted a “Celebrate Gay” banner on the side of one of the buses and a poster boasting that Harvey Milk was a University of Albany alumnus. I've no idea what the city is like under normal circumstances but it makes a good first impression; at the very least it shows that they are trying.

 Harvey Milk went to University at Albany. Who knew?

These ads were likely out in force because June is Pride Month. I am greatly sorry to say that I didn't make it to any formal pride festivals this year. Last year I had the opportunity to go to Pride on the Outer Banks which was amazing. I've been too busy this year dealing with all the medical crap that's gotten in the way to visit the beach. Even if I can't gather with the GLBT supporting doesn't mean I'm not going to be out and proud. In my case it's mostly confined to wearing my rainbow necklace and tight fitting shirts but I do what I can.

Honestly what campus wouldn't benefit from a few go go dancers in every classroom?

At least I'm in pleasant enough company. There's sadly no dancing go-go boys in speedos but the gays are out in force. My living proof of this was the first person I met on campus: a boy I stopped for directions, who had spiky hair, a lisp, and bright pink fingernails. This is definitely not my style but if it works for you let your freak flag fly! I'm a proud gay man and I'll tell you that to your face! Just give me a few extra minutes to limp over. 

 I'm a gay disabled man and don't you forget it! I came out of the closet and I refuse to go back. Not for an injury or anything else.